Values Exercises: How to Find Your Core Values

Values are the quiet rules behind every decision you make, and most of us have never written them down. In a few exercises you can name yours and check whether the way you live matches them.

How do you find out what your values are, and why does it matter? These values exercises help you stop and think about what you really care about, become aware of it, and check whether your everyday choices match it.

A values exercise: start from your best and worst moments

The simplest way to uncover your core values is to ask yourself what truly matters in your life. Think of a moment when you felt extraordinarily well. Picture it as vividly as you can and answer these questions in order:

What do you remember about that situation?
What would you refuse to give up in it?
What felt important to you at that moment?
What did you feel while you were doing it?
What did it give you?
What would you be proud to tell others about it?
Which values do you think were guiding you?
All in all, what stands out when you look back on it?

Ask these questions of friends or of yourself, with as many situations as you can, and try to recreate each moment: what were you thinking, what did you see, smell or touch? When you feel back inside that instant, you can name the values that were guiding you.

Then do the reverse. Picture a moment you remember as distressing, one that did not go well:

What negative aspects do you remember?
Why did you feel uncomfortable?
What kept you out of tune with your values?
How would you have liked to change your life at that point?
Which values did you set aside?

“The scandal, in our days, is not to attack moral values but the principle of reality.” (Mario Vargas Llosa)

Looking at both good and bad situations helps you name your values, because you think hard about what you really enjoyed and what drove you up the wall. Do not confuse values with your strengths, which are the skills or resources you have above average. Your values explain your strengths and help you understand them.

Reflecting on your values

Values are not the same in every area of life. What people value in their relationships may differ from what they value in their working life. Yet everyone has a few core values that stay stable over the years and that we apply in very different contexts. A core value has two key traits: you choose it freely, and it moves you to act.

Say you want to strengthen your commitment to respect. Begin with a concrete statement of what the value means to you: “respect is important to me because it gives others the same freedom I want for myself.” If you are a good listener, you can now ask yourself:

Why is it appropriate and desirable to hold this value?
How does it change the way you behave?
What positive purpose does it serve?
Which key situations are connected to it?
What limits or outcomes come with it?
What alternatives are there?
Do you hold a similar value?

These coaching questions help you act in line with the value you chose and, over time, measure how strongly you believe in it and defend it. Your answers map out the steps for expressing it, give you motivation and even reveal the barriers you may meet.

To find which values suit you best, think of someone you admire and, why not, someone you cannot stand. Listening to a motivational speaker can help too. You will surely spot many values that attract you and others you consistently reject. Maybe you like the humility of a local priest, or you are struck by Stephen Hawking‘s resilience. On the other side, perhaps you cannot stand the lack of respect of an ex-partner.