Write Your Wish List: How to Manage What You Want in Life

To know and manage what you want in life, write a letter to Santa Claus (or the Three Wise Men, depending on where you grew up) with a detailed list of how you would like your life to be in each important area: work, health, relationships, leisure and so on. Each area is one slice of the wheel of life. The idea is to list your preferences, conditions and tastes, which in the Autocoaching methodology we call factors.

When did you last ask for things the way you did as a child? Do not worry about order or coherence at first. The essential step is to list every factor or condition you would like in your ideal life, and not to discard any because it seems trivial or unrealistic. Examples:

Work: I want a job that lets me balance my personal and professional life.
Partner: I want a relationship based on respect, trust and mutual admiration.
Health: I want to keep an active lifestyle with plenty of energy.

Being aware of these preferences helps. A good trick to find them is to ask what made you unhappy in one slice of the wheel, such as work. It shows what you pay attention to. Some people cannot stand travelling for work, others never want to be called at weekends, others want to be close to home. There is nothing written about a person’s tastes, but you can surely list yours. Do not limit yourself: life will set limits, so do not set them too early. See also the professional wheel of life, which works as a letter to Santa about work.

Write down everything you want, without limits. Once every factor is listed, however trivial, it is time to reflect on them. Preferences or conditions would be less confusing words, but we use factors throughout, because technically preferences are motivating factors (the idea comes from the work of Frederick Herzberg).

The factor classifier

Work through your list in detail to raise your level of awareness. First sort the factors into necessary and motivating; then rank them by importance. The first step separates what you absolutely need (a necessary factor) from what you would like to have (a motivating factor) to be happy in that area. The second ranks every factor from most to least wanted, so you can see what you must never give up.

As a first example, here is a list for an ideal living environment. It covers home, city, neighbourhood and country, classified as necessary and motivating and ranked by importance. Priorities change a great deal over a lifetime, as the rules below show.

Factors of an ideal living environment
Necessary factors	Motivating factors
No violence: I can walk through the city without fear My country is not run by despots My home is in the city, preferably near the centre My neighbourhood is well connected My home has been renovated	My neighbourhood is close to shopping centres with plenty of leisure A nice view outside, preferably with a terrace High ceilings, for a greater sense of space A wooden parquet floor

Make your own letter, and try to include as many necessary factors as you can. You will get more out of the methodology that way. The key is to meet all the necessary factors; otherwise you will be stressed and unhappy.

The factor manager

As well as listing, classifying and ranking your factors, it helps to understand a few rules that govern them. As a second example, here are the factors for an ideal job:

Factors of an ideal job
Necessary factors	Motivating factors
My boss builds trust and keeps me motivated Pay is in line with my responsibilities I learn useful things There is a good team spirit I am involved in the tasks Ongoing training is offered	The company is stable and well known My successes are rewarded Extra benefits such as meal vouchers or health insurance The company values employees above profit

Rule 1: motivating factors can hide a necessary factor

Say you want to live close to work (ten minutes away) and need a minimum salary, with anything above that being motivating. You find a job with a one-hour commute each way, but it pays triple the salary you consider necessary. The motivating factor makes you forget how far you must travel. For now. The motivating salary covers the excessive commute.

Rule 2: motivating factors become necessary over time

Our grandparents would say you get used to the good. After days, weeks, months or years (it varies from person to person) in that job, you get used to the salary. The thought becomes: I deserve it, and they pay me what is fair. The new minimum has risen, and the salary stops being motivating and becomes necessary.

How would you feel now? With no motivating factor to cover the need to live close to work, a necessary factor is unmet and nothing compensates for it. Despair starts. Unconsciously you begin to feel uncomfortable at work. The sooner you find a solution, the sooner you take the helm of your happiness again. Some people get used to the good in minutes; others take a lifetime.

Rule 3: necessary factors can become motivating over time

With age, you keep being surprised at how some things from the past stop seeming so important. Many friends loved travelling the world years ago and saw it as necessary in their job. As they grew older, they wanted to spend more time at home with family and friends.

Your needs can change radically, and that should not upset you in the least. Wishes evolve. If you take that in, you will not worry when, with age, things follow their life cycle, however hard you resist accepting the change.

To go from a list to action, read how to make changes in your life.